de-dup, de-dup, de-dup, de-dup, de-dup.

loud and clear. such wonderful music. music to my ears.

-7w4d-

i have had a wonderful christmas, spending time with family. going out for non-stop dinners! well, b and i had the best of both worlds as we had a chinese dinner with his side then a western dinner with mine.
however, there was a sore point in our western dinner. (caution: here's where i start to rant!). we ate christmas day dinner at jake's charbroil in starhill. we booked a table at the non-smoking section (note: this is a rant against jake's and not at smokers). even though we were seated at the non-smoking section, we were just next to the smoking section which was up on a "platform". the smoke from the smoker (as there was only one) was blowing back down onto us. the smell was really strong and it lingered. can you imagine if the whole smoking section was filled? this was caused by a single smoker!
i complained to the manager (here, i am assuming that he's the manager as he was the only one in a suit). i could NOT believe how nonchalant and blase he was! he did not say sorry for the inconvenience neither was he bothered. he was your typical malaysian front liner with the 'tidak apa' laidback attitude. he couldn't care less! frankly, by the way he responded, i believe this was not the first time he has heard such a complaint and he made us feel like we were being difficult and that we were troublemakers!
my question is: why have separate sections to begin with if it makes no difference? why can't jake's be more responsible and have the area away from the non-smoking section? either that or why can't they install proper ventilation systems?
every other restaurant i've been to, both the sections are very well-defined. eg, kampachi pavilion, alexis gardens, all the delicious outlets, even the hong kong style 'char chan teng' all do it very well (note again all these places are situated in malls, ie air-conditioned areas).
does jake's just don't care about their customers? they have to know there is a reason why customers ask for non-smoking sections to begin with. why bother giving customers a choice when it makes no difference at all? it's no surprise here that we will NEVER EVER patronise jake's again.

'tis the season of surprises, miracles and blessings.

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

so........i went out for drinks last night with p, m, s and k. for those who are thinking that it was to some pub or club, you are mighty wrong. it was at alexis gardens and it was a very subdued and quiet affair. so much so that p said that it was boring! hahahaha.......
well, what can i say? this is me now and i'm happy and comfortable being me. to me, turning 30 is just another day. i don't see the big deal about it.
so, here's to moving into a new decade!

so..........i turn the big 3-0 today. it feels great!
i've never understood people who fears and hates turning the big 3-0. i take it as i've gained another year of experience and hopefully have turned wiser too! in fact i can't wait to turn 40. i know, i'm kinda weird......hahaha
well, happy birthday to me!

it seems that there has been a pregnancy explosion around me lately. every other person i know is pregnant.

caleb would have been one this month.

christmas has never been the same for me again. i'm not back where i was last year, all depressed and confining myself in the house, but i am also not going all out to celebrate christmas anymore. i'm not putting up the tree, i'm not planning to host christmas dinners for our families, nothing.
don't get me wrong, i'm not angry or sad anymore. it's just that i've lost that christmasy feeling.

a sign of personal growth would be to share in someone else's happiness and be truly happy for them when their prayers are answered first before yours. it's not easy and sometimes it's a struggle. but like i said, you grow and you mature. and when you are there sharing the joy, you feel great and almost "zen like". that is when you are calm and at peace with everything in the world. nothing can ever spoil that feeling.

from my last posting, it was obviously a temporary slip for me. it was my fault, really. i was playing "keeping up with the jones' ". i guess it's only human to fall once in a while when you're doing so well.
well, i'm good again! every thing's the way it's meant to be and i'm happy, contented and at peace with everything again.

"i know and believe you are there God. i'm sorry for doubting you. you have made me see the path again. please forgive me."

to p all the way in aus: thank you so much. your words lifted me and warmed my heart : )

dear God it's me e.
where are you? why, why, why? am not i worthy enough? am i not holy enough? am i not good enough? have i not spent enough hours praying? have i not spent enough time with you? have i been bad?
why is it that some people get their prayers answered so easily? why do you heap blessings after blessings onto them? what about b and i? are we doing something wrong here or are there things that we are not doing?
i'm crashing into a downward spiral of despair and it feels like i can't stop it. it feels like i'm walking in darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel. please God, please. where are you?

well, it's been some time since my last blog............... and for those who think that i'm preggers: i'm not - yet. well, i've been going back to the office. i'm in everyday except for sundays. it's not anything structured and it's on a very ad-hoc basis. i don't have a fixed set of hours. so, i've been busy, busy, busy.
on another note, the evening primrose oil pills, seem to work! i've not been mood swinging much lately. (notice i said much. well the mood swings are not completely gone yet!)

"Naked i came from my mother's womb, and naked i will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised" - Job 1:21

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" - Job 2:10

i've noticed recently that my mood swings before and after my period have been getting worse. it starts one week before my period's due, then i'll have one good week during my period, then it starts again after my cycle's done for one week, then i'll be stable again and have one good week. i would be irritable, angry most of the time (wanting to scream and shout kind of angry) and moody. and poor b gets the brunt of it all. i'll be lovey-dovey with him one minute then turn into this angry monster the next!
i realised that even i didn't like myself during these times. i also realised that i only get 2 good weeks in a month! so, as any sane person would, i talked to my doc (for only the truly crazy would still insist that this is normal. besides if they are really crazy, they wouldn't know that they need help, would they?).
back to my doc. she thinks that it's because of my recent "due date". she says that maybe subconsciously i've not let everything go yet. well, i don't know if this rings true (the letting things go part) for i have come to terms with it and am at peace with it. it was just not the time for us. i think maybe it was the "due date" part. maybe i subconsciously stored it away in my memory and it just came pouring out. (a note to point out is that even when i was "mood swinging" i never thought of my miscarriages. i was always in the present)
well, since the "due date" has passed and i'm on evening primrose oil now (the period pill), i hope things go back to normal! fingers crossed!

fact sheets on cervical cancer. please click on the image to enlarge it.

so i went for my final "prevent cervical cancer" jab last week. the jabs are spread out within a 7 months period. it's a total of 3 jabs. after the first one, the second jab is a month later. then comes the final jab after 6 months. the total cost of the jabs is RM1,200 (a very small price to pay to prevent cancer don't you think?).

it felt just like home, walking into the clinic. it's like "cheers - where everybody knows your name". hopefully i'll be back soon for another visit with good news ; )

so......this sunday was supposed to be my due date for my twins. hmm........it came as a shock to me as i never stored it in my memory. i never even noted it down. but b did. he jotted it down on our calendar and i must say it came as quite a shocker when i flipped the calendar to october and there it was - "BABY".
i must admit a flood of emotions came rushing in. first there was guilt: guilt that we moved on with our lives so well, guilt that we didn't even bother to remember, guilt that we are enjoying life again, guilt that we are taking a break from "baby making", etc. there's just so much guilt. then came anger: anger that i miscarried twice, anger that b noted it down on our calendar, anger at others with their babies out and about, anger that the world continued revolving and life went on. then came the questions: why, why, why?
but guess what finally came? peace and serenity...........this was the best part: at peace with my miscarriages, at peace that our lives went on, at peace that we should be enjoying life now, at peace with the fact that all my babies are with God, at peace with the knowledge that this was God's will. i have finally been able to free myself from the burden of when, when, when by casting all my troubles onto God and leaving it in His hands and trusting Him completely.
yes, i do think of my twins now. but i do it in a joyful manner : ) (not in a woe befall me manner!).

i already know what sort of mum i would be. i'd be the type who records and keeps everything. everything would be too precious to chuck out; especially things or art that my is made by my kids! so i'd need a home with loads of storage! ; )

little i's masterpiece!

it's been two whole weeks now since my cousin left with little i to go back to melbourne. it feels like a whole damn month (or even longer, if that's possible!!!!) oh.... i miss them terribly. the once a week excursions with them was always the highlight of my past weeks. sigh, i guess life goes on.
b and & i are planning a trip to visit them next year. if there is any more trips this year, it'll be cuti-cuti malaysia (with pampering in mind!). you know how it is: when we do travel overseas, because our ringgit is so small, it always costs us a bomb, what with the tickets, food, accomodation AND shopping (outlet malls!). so the only time we get to indulge ourselves with 5-star pampering and luxury is here in good ol' malaysia.
well, here's to the trips to come!

this was an extremely rare shot with ther grinning from ear-to-ear!

so, b and i just came back from our first trip. we went up to cameron highlands. i must say the place has changed so much! i feel that it's rather congested now.

well, we stayed at cameron highlands resort by ytl. the hotel itself was nice and the spa was absolutely marvellous! both b and i indulged ourselves at the spa. i must admit i was thinking that it was a bit pricey but you know what? it was absolutely worth it! to have your body kneaded and massaged........aahh......bliss. then there was also the totally relaxing tea baths.........heavenly bliss! only thing that marred our time there was this film production going on - the noise, the bright lighting, etc. that totally spoilt the whole ambiance of the place. other than that, we both had a good time.

http://www.cameronhighlandsresort.com/

the saying that babies do something new each day is true! the difference just one week makes is huge! when i saw little i the week before last, she was still pretty quiet. but boy oh boy......when i saw her last week, she was noisy (good noisy). she was babbling non-stop and it was oh so adorable. i absolutely love baby babbles and gibberish.

i have finally found a "safe" toothpaste. it's the pureen maternity toothpaste. it's free from sodium lauryl sulfate (sls), fluoride and saccharin. i was on a quest for some time for a safe toothpaste with no luck until this was launched in kl recently. the list of ingredients definitely do not contain any harmful chemicals (well, according to my list of no-nos).

i was kind of worried that it would taste funny or my teeth would not feel clean after using it. but surprise, surprise: it tastes like darlie but without so much foam AND my teeth do feel clean!

i do not know why they market this as a maternity toothpaste though. it works as well as the common toothpastes without the harmful chemicals. in fact, b is also using it.

only gripe i have about it is that it's still not widely available yet. i can only find them in guardian for the moment.

so....it's been another unsuccessful month. b and i have been trying for four months now. when i say trying, i mean we do it by the book: every other day, in certain positions and lying in after the deed. well, i figured how can i say that i am trying and not give it my all? nothing in this life is handed to you on a silver platter! at least now i have no regrets even though i'm not pregnant yet. i know both b and i worked hard at it. we have put in the effort.
well, we have agreed to put trying on hold for now. oh, i'm sure we'll still have horny unprotected sex now and then. it's just that we're planning to go on vacations. notice it's plural. so.........we just want to enjoy our holidays now. we want to travel without the worry about morning sickness, etc. we should take this chance to do all the travelling and enjoying each other's company as a couple before baby makes three!

FINALLY! got this video uploaded. this is a clip of b putting on shoes for my precious little i. he's so gentle with her. this video really warms my heart. this is a sign of what i can expect from him with our own kids. : )

on the other hand, it's like the giant and the dwarf. look how tiny she is compared to him!

i have decided on investing in a video camera/recorder. i absolutely need and want to record every moment of my baby's life. it almost feels like an obsessive compulsive need right now. what pushed me over the edge was spending time with little i. i kept on video-ing her on my camera. but sad to say, the quality was not very good as it kept on blurring in and out. sigh....... i just wanted to capture every single moment of her. in fact i have this really sweet moment of her and b together. unfortunately, after numerous attempts at uploading the video here, i'm still unsuccessful. well, any suggestions on which video-cam to get?

watching b spend time with my niece is so heart-warming. he's also extremely in love with her. he feels strongly now that i should be a stay-at-home mum and raise our child as he can see the difference between his niece and my niece. his niece was and still is being raised by a maid, where else my niece is being raised by her mum. he sees how intelligent and communicative my niece is at only 16 months now compared to his niece then. and it's all because of my cousin's efforts and love!
i'm so proud of my cousin, c. i think she's a fantastic mum. the way she's raising my niece is the way i would like to raise my own child (when? when? when?)

it's been cloudy and raining these past few weeks. i've never told anyone this but i simply love it when the weather's like this. it brings back memories of christmases back in kuantan. it always rains in december over there. i remember the whole house being cold and dark except for the christmas tree lights twinkling away..........in the afternoon! my mum would put on christmas carols and play them all day long. we would either decorate the tree or be wrapping presents, just the two of us. ah.... memories are made of these.

woah...............my last blog definitely stirred up views from both ends of the spectrum! ok....for clarification: all the parents or carers i've seen in malls doing this pram on the escalator thing have never been alone. both the parents are there including a maid or two. in fact i've never once seen a single parent trying to do this. so, again why take any risk with the possibility of something going wrong?
maybe age is catching up with me, but my priority is safety first and foremost. all i know is it's just not worth risking (even with mastering the "skills" needed to do this) especially since it's not even easy to get pregnant!
on the flip side, if the child's asleep in the pram and there are no lifts around (a bit of a stretch in these times) i guess there are two options: either carry the child out of the pram or hang around til the child wakes up. have coffee somewhere and cherish the quiet time.


i know this is a subject that will have people who are for and people who are against and this would be an individual choice.

i absolutely hate parents who insist on endangering their children's lives' by pushing their prams (with the kid still in it) onto the escalator. are these parents simply lazy or impatient? why can't they either wait for the lift or take the child out of the pram and carry them on the escalator? have they never considered the possibility of the wheels getting stuck on the escalator or having the escalator abruptly stop for whatever reasons? i simply can not believe how irresponsible these parents are.

i've been having the time of my life this month of august. i've been spending time with my cousin, c who is back here with her baby girl, i. oh........................i'm so, so, so in love with my precious little niece. i can't get enough of her! she's just so adorable and to top it off, she's very, very bright. i hope c will lengthen her stay so i get to keep spending time with cheeky little i.

b and i have been looking at properties lately, either to invest in or to move into. only thing i keep asking is "how children friendly is the project". says a lot about what i'm looking for huh? well, we're taking our time scoping out the projects available. it's not like we're looking to make this move asap. we're just having fun while looking.
before we were married, i always maintained that i want to move into a landed property when we have kids. well, guess what? not anymore. i guess i've gotten used to living in a condo. besides, i feel so much more secure in a condo project. also, the play area is within the secured compounds without having to worry about traffic and crossing roads and they have so much more varieties in terms of facilities. then there's the management and maintenance teams who will tend to house problems immediately. so, what's not to like about living in condos?

you know how parents "test" out baby names? well, b and i do it too. actually, we are pretty set on our babies' names. this is ever since my first pregnancy. well, we still test out names whenever we come across nice names. here's the difference between b and i: i test it out by using the name followed by a scolding. b however tests it out by using the name and "playing" with it. well, i sure do hope that this is not a sign that i'll be the disciplinarian while he gets to be the "fun" parent!

another month down the drain. so it's been three months of trying now. well, it's alright. it's just not God's timing yet. though i must admit i really thought this month was going to be the month.

b knew i needed him today without me even telling him. so he surprised me and spent the whole day with me. he really made my day. it's nice to know that he can be observant and pick up on my mood when i really need him to. i am truly blessed : )

my sister recently turned 21. ah........to be young again, with the world as your oyster..........until REALITY hits! hahaha...........it really is a sign of the times when kids nowadays are celebrating their 21st at alexis! me? i had catering at home. i wonder what will b & i do for our kids' 21st?

is imitation the greatest form of flattery? i'm still out on this one.

i had and still am having a hectic week. i have not cooked at all this whole week. b & i have had dinner appointments throughout this week and still more to come til the end of the week. it feels kind of nice that i'm busy with non-related household stuff for a change, not that i'm complaining. but i must admit, i do miss cooking. : )

here's the truth about "trying sex": it can not always be fun. if i have ever made it sound like a chore it's because it is sometimes. so to those who think that i'm not having fun while trying AND giving me advice about how to take it easy and have fun - chill. i know. i have been having fun. just not all the time. it's ok. you can't always have your cake and eat it too!

i baby-proofed my coffee table recently for my precious little niece. i didn't baby-proof the whole house because i figured that we would spend most of the time in the living area during their visit. the edge rounders proofed to be very useful as she knocked into the edges numerous times. just look at the edge rounders: aren't they cute? it reminds us of mickey's hands. i've decided to keep them on permanently as i myself have knocked into the edges a couple of times causing bruising.

a close-up view of the edge rounder.

the toys i bought for my niece. i make it a point to only buy wooden toys as they are much much safer than plastics. they are environment friendly AND they work the same way as all toys work. besides, don't they look great? this set was from early learning centre.

i am so proud of p and m. they have decided to quit! yesterday was the last day of vice for them. hence we had to have a final outing to celebrate.

to p and m: remember i can be your support buddy whenever the urge hits, just call me and i'll talk you of it!

to s: joining anytime soon?

p recently turned 30. this is the year where most people i know (including me) turn 30. big year of celebrations? i'm just wondering if i'll be preggers by the time i turn 30.

so, here's to p: happy 30th!

my favourite part of the day is when we are lying in bed at the end of the night with the lights turned off and we just talk til the cows come home........................

i absolutely hate local banks. the worst of the lot is abmb in mont kiara. there's no customer service whatsoever! every time we go there we have to be prepared to spend half a day there just to make any transactions. there are at least four counters but the speed these tellers move at; i can at least watch a whole movie while waiting for any of the teller to finish with one customer. they ignore you even when you are standing right in front of them, no greetings, no smiles, and to top it off, they just turn away from you while you are in the midst of telling them what you need to do to talk to their colleague! it's so infuriating! it's no wonder that we have closed our accounts with them. they are NOT getting any of our business. i think it's a "wonder" that with abmb, it's not only confined to their mont kiara branch. the one in ikano is also the same! well, hats off to them. they at least achieved consistency - consistency in treating the customers like dirt and acting as if they are doing us a huge favour by attending to us.
international banks, while admittedly, not all are better, at least there's a level of customer service. i'm wondering does abmb know that they will eventually loose business if they do not buckle up? i'm wondering if the staff ever wonders who is really paying their salary? it's us - the customers! without us giving them things to do, they won't have anything to do and hence should be laid off!
i simply can not imagine bringing my child to a bank that makes me wait half a day to do any transactions. children get cranky and what is the home maker to do? keep her money under the pillow?

on a positive note, the rhb in hartamas is absolutely lovely. they are professional, courteous AND they move quite quickly.

as expected, i got my period because i was too lazy! well, to keep count, it's three months now since we began trying (although technically it's only two because again, i was too lazy last month!).
anyway, remember the organic soyplus that i'm on now? well, i have to say it really did help (although not in the way it's supposed to). i did NOT cramp at all, which was fantastic! it definitely did not help with the pms-ing; ie the mood swings, though. well, at least one symptom down huh?
well then, it's time to get back on the horse again. yee-hah!

i have stumbled upon THE pregnancy book must have! it's called "the complete organic pregnancy; what you need to know - from the nail polish you wear to the bed you sleep in to the water you drink" by deirdre dolan & alexandra zissu.
i know it's a mouthful but the things i've learnt from this book is indispensable. i would actually recommend this book not only to women who are pregnant but to ALL women. it's so informative and at the same time so scary. it basically tells you what chemicals are in AND around everyday items you use and they give you alternatives. it tells you what to look out for, the big no-nos.
the authors are journalists themselves so this book has been thoroughly researched. the two must read books while trying to conceive or while pregnant (in my books at least):

• the complete organic pregnancy (which talks about the environment you're in and how to have the safest AND healthiest pregnancy possible by minimizing your exposure to the toxins around us)
• what to expect when you're expecting (which talks about how your body changes and how the baby is growing and when to worry and when not to, eg bleeding and spotting)

these two books are my fortress of knowledge on pregnancy. i even highlighted notes on the pages! (if only i studied this hard back when i was in school............................)

as a continuation from yesterday: i do the major household chores on saturdays as i do not cook dinners on the weekends. i would change the bedsheets (i do NOT make the bed at all as i think it's a complete waste of time), do laundry & ironing, wiping & dusting (this is a MAJOR pain), wash the bathrooms, clean out the fridge and do the floors (vacuuming & mopping).
so you see? i'm not a tai-tai. i'm more like a housewife who actually does the household chores to keep our home clean!

for those who are curious about what i do with my days (& i know there are some of you out there!):
i wake up at about 7:30 everyday (including weekends). then clean up, make our gross green drinks, clean the kitchen (more like putting away the dishes which have dried from the night before), do laundry (whenever i get a full load), have breakfast then i just chill either by watching tv or reading or scrap booking or cross-stitching!
then when it's noon, i start preparing for dinner (eg chopping, cutting, slicing, etc). i would not like to have to prepare & then cook immediately. i like everything prepared before i cook so that i can just throw the ingredients into the pan & just cook. then wash up & have lunch.
in the afternoons, i catch up on e-mails & bills, blogging, surfing the net, etc. then i actually do work for b. well, currently i have gone back to work to help out once a week. so i bring stuff home & catch up on work. i'll work through until it's time to cook, which is usually about 6ish, 7. i would also fold laundry in between if i did a round of washing in the morning.
then b comes home, we have dinner, watch tv then i do all the washing up. so you see? i prepare, cook AND wash up! well, b does help out as well, he cleans the hob & hood & the countertops for me.
then the cycle starts again the next day!

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.

For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:

one belongingto him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,

he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life

there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened

at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you."

-mary stevenson-

i have a confession to make: i am getting lazy to try. we really have not been trying at all this month & it's all due to me! it's not like the first two months when i was always ready to try. i can not believe that i'm lazy to do it! ah well..........i'll get back on the horse again after this.................

my completely "un-ah-lian" bestie from uk (the previous picture did not do her justice)

p/s: i just realised that i do not have any nice pictures of us together!

with all the price increases AND after our hk trip, i have gone on a "save money" project. when i used to do grocery shopping, i would just grab whatever i felt like trying, usually the imported stuff, hence it would be more expensive, & put it into the cart. b would also go crazy in the junk food aisle.
NOT anymore. i carefully go through everything that's in our cart. we do not buy anything that is NOT a necessity anymore. i used to spend about RM200 on an average per week, & now it's down to RM80 per week (this is still a bit high but this includes our organic juices). & you know what? we're doing fine. we didn't need those junk to begin with. to help me out, i carry around a mini calculator in my bag so that i can work out which brand gives us the most bang for our buck (i am completely useless at mental arithmetic). and i have to say, i'm not shy in whipping out my calculator in front of others and doing sums.
on the home front, i have halved the amount of food i cook. i cook just enough for one meal now. i used to follow recipes to the dot. but since i've been cooking for some time now, i have gotten the hang of it, and so i am better able to judge the amount of food we need. i eat leftovers for lunch or whatever's at home. nothing goes to waste anymore (i used to buy snacks on a whim & i never ended up eating them so i would give them away to the cleaners in my condo).
also, since electricity tariffs are up, i have been using the tips that i've read:

• turning off switches at the main plug when not in use (i used to just turn off the switches at the gadget but leave the main plug on for "convenience" aka lazy to bend down or stretch to turn the main switch on!)
• charging my mobile during the day so that i can immediately unplug it when the charge is complete
• turning off the damn idiot box whenever my usual programs are not running. i only let it run wild whenever b is back because it's his form of unwinding for the day (this is also not done in the extreme)
• turning off the kitchen light whenever the kitchen's not in use (we used to leave the kitchen light on throughout the night until i realise that the light only lights up the kitchen area & it does not help in any other areas! eg when we're watching tv in the living area, the kitchen light is completely useless!)
• i open the windows now to cool down the home as opposed to turning on the air-conditioning. actually i try my best NOT to turn the air-cond on during the day except for when it is extremely hot. even then i only let it run for a maximum of 2 hours and when the whole home is completely cooled, i turn it off. that would last to the evening & by then the air outside would have cooled as well.

but things are not all bad. we still have guilty pleasures. eg, we have the air-cond turned on throughout the night when we're in bed (i have kept the fan off now. we used to turn on both the fan AND the air-cond. it would cool the room faster & then we just never bothered to turn it off when we fell asleep). we upgraded & only go to movies in gsc premier (this is also only for movies that we think is worth the money to watch in the cinema like movies with special effects. a definite no-no is romantic comedies - that we have the wonderful world of dvds). another guilty pleasure would be our once a month facial. so you see? we try to even things out.

i have finally started on my scrapbook from our whirlwind trip to us & uk (ONE whole year late!). well, i guess better late than never. i have come to the conclusion that i am not a very artistic person nor am i a scrapbooky person. i am so anal that i want everything to be stuck straight. nothing out of place & no messiness at all! sigh......i have to learn to let things flow.............hopefully by the time b & i have a baby, i would have improved by loads because i want to have a scrapbook for our baby to chart everything (hope i'll do it regularly though & not like when our kid's like 12 then only i get round to it!)

ever since i have decided to give up alcohol, i have put b & i on a detox program to clean up our "insides". it basically involves drinking a mixture of organic instant soyplus+wheatgrass+barley grass. the final product is a gross green. but surprisingly it does not taste bad. in fact it tastes like non-flavoured milk. we have one cup of it in the morning daily before breakfast. well, i'm obviously doing this to ensure that b & i give our baby the best start possible!

besides the soyplus is supposed to help women with pms (again for those in the know, you know how i am when i'm pre-mestrual!)

i have finally decided to give up my last vice: alcohol. i have been thinking that since b & i are trying, i should give up alcohol completely (not even a sip!) to boost up our chances & to give our baby the best start possible. i have decided that i do not want to go through the OMG situation whereby i worry if my last drinking session harmed our baby (if i discovered i was pregnant).
so, to ensure that i stick to this, i have enrolled p as my buddy/sponsor. i'll call her whenever i feel like drinking & she'll talk me out of it. she makes a better buddy because b would not be firm enough to tell me no.
so, to all who read my blog, STOP me from drinking if the situation should arise!

b & i celebrated our anniversary on sunday (NOT wedding anniversary, but anniversary for when we started going out). well, it's been eight years now. thinking back on how we got started, it's amazing that we're still together AND married!
b & i have passed that stage whereby you're still buying gifts for each other & going out for romantic dinners. i know it may sound sad to some people but we realise we don't need that kind of thing anymore. we are happy just spending the whole day together enjoying each other's company.
we just slept in, cooked together (a sunday fry-up - yum, yum), watched dvds & just lazed. then we went jalan-jalan, window shopping, had dinner out & finished the day with a movie. we just took our time, no rushing & no errands. oh, we romped in bed too ; ) (this time it was for fun not for trying!)
aaaaahhhhh...................it was a wonderful day.


g: you still amaze me with your "talents" with regards to songs & movies. you're like a walking dictionary on both! happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy....... ; )

this is going to make me sound like an ah sum but i don't care: i'm super excited about justlife! they definitely have more variety in terms of fresh produce AND other organic items, including skincare! i finally checked out their stores yesterday & i'm STILL happy, happy, joy, joy now................ : ) the stores are neater & their items are better placed compared to country farm. to top it off, their staff gives excellent customer service! only downside to justlife is unfortunately their staff ALL speak mandarin - i don't. lucky for me, b does, so he's my translator!
happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy.....................

anyone remembers the "happy happy joy joy" song? i can't seem to remember which cartoon it's from. but i DO know that it was featured in the "saturday morning cartoons soundtrack" back when i was in high school!

b & i had an all-out scream at each other fest 3 days ago. it was over a minor issue which of course blew out of proportion. well, i guess it was long overdue. ever since i've been at home, it has been just been fantastic between us - no arguments whatsoever, not even teeny weeny ones.
our scream fest came to an end an hour after it started. it was so different from our previous fights. back in those days, our arguments would sometimes last a day or two (because of me. i would refuse to talk about it or let it go). well, things are definitely different now. we made up immediately & talked about the issue, with no screaming involved. it's so much better this way, which is not to say that i'm hoping for another session anytime soon!

b & i went grocery shopping yesterday (sundays are now our "errands day" & i do marketing for the week). i have come to the conclusion that the best place to grocery shop is bangsar village 1. i head to country farms organics first. then whatever i can't get from country farms, i just head up to village grocer. village grocer has quite a good selection of organic produce & products, & not forgetting good imported stuff as well.
although i still have to go to cold storage to get my bio-degradable cleaning detergents as they have more variety & at least they are all stocked on one aisle. i absolutely hate wasting time looking at a multitude of products looking for the bio-degradable ones.
sigh.....all i need now is a store that specialises in a variety of organic produce & products together with bio-degradable items, all under one roof!

i have not been feeling so great these past few days. i simply can not believe how tired i am. i can not even keep my eyes open. my eyes are swollen all the time now.
i got my period the day before we left hk - on s's wedding day. i did not make it through dinner - i made it half way. i was cramping so bad & i was so so sleepy. to top off my usual symptoms, i was dizzy & i was nauseous.
i feel that my periods are getting worse than before my miscarriages. i have developed new symptoms & today is my 6th day but yet i am struggling to get through the day, struggling to keep my eyes open. i used to only be like this on the 1st & 2nd days. but now? my cycle's coming to an end but my tiredness still persists!
also, before i get my period now, i get sharp pains on my lower left side. it's almost like spasms that start a few days before my period & goes away once my period starts.
sigh.............i guess it's age huh?
on another note, i've been keeping track of the number of months that b & i have been trying - 2 months now. this is my 2nd cycle since we've started. so, back on the horse again for round 3! (also, if i am pregnant, at least i won't get all my period symptoms - yay!)

to s: i'm very sorry that i didn't stay for the whole dinner. i feel really bad about it. i mean, the only reason i went to hk was for your wedding! sorry.

b asked if we could pray together last night. & for the first time in our entire history, we did. it was amazing. i was tearing up. i did most of the praying because b said that he does not know how to pray. i don't blame him. he's (was hopefully) a freethinker. i'm just so happy that he's willing to try & most importantly he wants to try.
we have had discussions before on religion & our children. we both agreed that we will raise our kids knowing God & loving God. i do strongly believe in religion, even though during my past, i didn't care much for it. i never gave God a second thought back then. but i will say this, i have had faith all throughout my life. i never doubted. i found comfort in praying whenever i needed to even as far back as then. this is what i want to impart to our children - the faith & comfort.
b on the other hand, has never experienced faith nor understand the comfort that i get in praying & believing. he admits that sometimes, he gets anxious because there's just so many problems & he does not know if he's making the right decisions. to top it off, he can't get comfort from anywhere. so he knows it will be good for our children to derive that kind of comfort & peace from God - the peace that surpasses all understanding.
i know b is trying to believe & i encourage him all the time to pray & to turn to God. i on the other hand, have been praying that God will reach out to b & that b will want to turn to God.
well, last night was a preview of God answering my prayers & i felt all warm & fuzzy inside! : )

b & i went for a facial the other day. i find facials oh so relaxing up until my facial therapist starts the extraction bit. then it goes downhill : (
as usual my facial therapist & i were chatting & you know what? i have been going to her for the past six years! oh my oh my. how time flies. anyway, she told me to inform her when i get pregnant. apparently there are some stuff that can't be done & some machines can't be used. hmmm......... it would never have occurred to me to tell her because facials are only done on the face & neck! but i'm glad she told me. now i know.
so for those who are preggers out there, remember: facials could be dangerous too. so please consult your facial therapist before starting.
sigh....another thing to add to the "watch-out-for-list".........

b & i are going to hk next week for s's wedding. b is looking forward to hk because of the shops that sell toys & figurines. i'm just only ok with hk.
well, this will be considered our "getaway" after our second miscarriage. after our first miscarriage, we took 3 weeks off to holiday in us & uk. now, that was fantastic. to top it off, we travelled business!
anyhow, it'll be fun travelling again (although we'll be on cattle this time!). and i do not know why but i simply love airports.

s's wedding "events" were over the weekend. b & i attended all THREE of them. would you believe it if i say right now that i am still recovering from those 3 days? it's been so damn long since b & i stayed up past 12! we partied til 2 am one night then til 4:30 am the next night! i'm still quite shocked that i could last that long. it's definitely a sign of age.
i'm turning the big 3-0 this year. i know for a lot of my girl friends, it's a huge thing. but for me, it does not affect me that much. i can't wait til i'm 40! i just feel that its part of life & as each year goes by, you experience more & become wiser & more comfortable in your own skin. i think it's great. furthermore, as i age, i enter different phases in life.
well, right now, i'm just settling into a new role (housewife, which i'm really comfortable with) & trying for a baby (or babies!). i'm happy where i am now & i know for a fact that it's simply because of my past experiences that have brought me here. i'm happy, comfortable & at peace. what more could i ask for?

bestie in australia

bestie in uk

besties in kl

these are the colours in my life. they have been with me through my darkest times, my confusing times, my why, why, why times, my ecstatic times and everything else in between. they have been pillars in my life.

i thank you all from the bottom of my heart & i truly appreciate all your words of encouragement throughout.

just know this: i love you guys!

i went to do nails with my sister yesterday. i have started to enjoy spending time with her since my pregnancies. she in turn loves spending time with me because i pay for everything.
well, whenever i do nails now, i do not put on nail polish. i just get them buffed. some of you might think this extreme but i try my best to avoid any cosmetics or toxins that might get absorbed into my body. again, i'm playing it "better safe than sorry". besides, i do house work daily and usually my nails do get scuffed up and it would look unsightly with chipped nail polish on my nails.

s is getting married next weekend. thinking about her embarking on this path has made me reflect on my own journey.
it's been 2 1/2 years since our marriage, although i feel like b & i have been married forever. we've been together for 8 years now & our life together has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.
who knew that by now we would be trying for a baby (or babies!)? who knew that we would be ready to become parents now? who knew that we would go into the deepest darkest pits only to emerge on the opposite end stronger & closer than ever?
we originally gave ourselves 4 years of honeymooning, indulging in all our vices & more. & how long has it been now? it's funny how life works. when you are least expecting something to happen, it hits you right smack in the face & you actually enjoy it (well, i did anyway).
you know what? if ever i were given a chance to change the past, i would not change a single damn thing.

it was b's niece's birthday yesterday, so we went back home for dinner. she turned 3. the last time we saw her was 2 weeks ago & boy oh boy how fast she's grown! you can literally tell the difference. she can string along sentences now. 2 weeks ago she was still talking baby talk & gibberish.
we bought her a play-doh kitchen set & she really loves it. i must admit i myself had quite a bit of fun playing masak-masak with her last night.
i catch myself thinking that if i did not have problem pregnancies, she would have a little cousin to play with by now.

i have finally finished cleaning our home. YAY! now to get back to our normal routine............

b & i finally watched ironman the other day. we went to gsc premier. i must say, i kinda like it there. no crowds to deal with (always a plus point in my books).
when i was pregnant, i simply could not tolerate watching movies in the cinema. i don't know why. i'd get a massive headache, then my back would hurt, i would not be able to get comfortable & i would be extremely nauseous. it's almost akin to an allergy.
b loves to watch movies in the cinemas. me, i'm not such a big fan. although with the discovery of gsc premier, i'm getting into it. i guess we'll be watching more movies from now on before i do get pregnant!

i found this place that serves healthy food. they use mainly organic ingredients & they even cook their food in a healthy way. eg their fry-up is not fried. it's grilled!
it's name is yogi tree. it's located inside the gardens but in kind of a secluded area. it's just outside isetan on the 2nd floor (i think). b & i tried it the other day & the food was yummy. prices are also not steep. it's the usual market price.
definitely worth a try for those looking for healthy food.

since i've been at home, my neighbour has cornered me a couple of times. she's in her late forties or early fifties. she would tell me all the happenings in our condo and even the condo opposite us! these are all the ah sum gossips. m has already said that i am like mega ah sum now because i was relating the stories back to my friends.
i must admit, b & i used to avoid our neighbours like the plague. we just didn't want to have to be sociable & engage in idle chat. also, they are in our parents age group. looking back, we were so rude then!
now, although the chats can be long at times, i know that b & i are blessed to have good neighbours. they are friendly & helpful. besides, without her, i wouldn't know half of what's going on in our condo.
i know i want to be a housewife & stay-at-home mum, but i must try my hardest NOT to turn into the typical ones!

since b & i have started trying, i decided to pee on the stick since i'm expecting my cycle & it's not here yet. it said not pregnant but i asked b to check on it anyway. he's answer? - not yet. : ) when he said that, it warmed my heart.
actually, it might be a good thing if i'm not pregnant now. i feel like i let everything slide since last week. the whole of last week i was inhaling in dust, paint fumes & who knows what else (which all i would assume to be toxic & not good for a pregnant woman). i have also been using cleaning detergents like clorox & glass cleaners daily (the fumes which i also inhale). i know i mentioned that i was going bio-degradable but i was not going to throw out the stuff that i still had left! besides i think this would be a one-time off of major cleaning for me. so i decided to make everything super clean by killing out the germs (hopefully!). i still have not finished cleaning the home. i never thought i would take this long (it might have something to do with the fact that i'm doing this all on my own - hmmmmm). but well, if anyone of you do drop by after i'm done, you would be able to practically eat off my floors!
the other thing is, i went for a massage on sat. i chose the shiatsu massage where the masseuse really, really kneads your knots & she was even stepping all over me (again i stress i was moaning & groaning in pain & not out of pleasure!). so i guess it would not have been wise to get a massage whereby the masseuse was stepping on me rather forcefully all over including my lower back, if i was pregnant. & i might add, whenever she stopped on a "pressure point" she had to sorta give a little jump on that point to add that little oommph!
i did a foot reflex next & there were certain spots where he was "massaging" where it really hurt. since i don't speak mandarin, i didn't bother to ask what those spots were.
then we went out for dinner to celebrate s's b'day. i felt like drinking so i did. i thought since i hardly drink anymore, what's the harm? i wanted to drink anyway. i don't remember how many i had but i do know that it's way less than i used to be able to consume. i was high by the end of the night. i've realised that i can't drink like a fish anymore (which is a good sign in my books). i'm getting old & i hardly drink now. oh, not to forget, i have begun to feel like crap the next day. since i've given the other thing up, i'm thinking of giving up alcohol as well or maybe only indulge in the odd tipple for special occasions. sigh........slowly but surely i will be vice-less.
then there's all that junk that we have been consuming. yuck!
well, here's to getting back on the right track & not to forget the pleasures from our trying sessions! ; )

i found a solution to my vice: de-caf. i don't know why but i had this idea in my head that de-caf coffees suck. i thought it would taste weird or yucky. but i decided to try today. b bought for me from starbucks. did you know that you can get de-caf latte? and it tastes exactly like the normal coffee! (i know, i know i very ulu).
well, caffeine is not only found in coffee. it's also in sodas, tea & (this would be bad news for some who don't already know) chocolate! personally, i'm not a chocolate person. i only eat chocolate when i have a craving & it's only when there's a really blue moon out.
so i guess i'm not addicted to caffeine after all. yay!

i read recently that if a woman's pregnant, she should have no more than 2 cups of coffee a day. prior to this the limit was 4 cups. also, if a woman's trying to conceive, she should also stick to 2 cups or cut coffee out completely. obviously the facts & figures are changing & at least it's being updated.
die lo! how? like i mentioned in my earlier post, i had numerous cups of coffee per day the whole of last week (i'm guessing i had average 4 cups of coffee per day last week). sigh.....at least i didn't do it intentionally. well, like i said, tomorrow, b & i are going back to eating healthy so it's at least accounts for something! and for me personally, i'll try to stick to having one cup of coffee per day (right now, coffee is my only vice for those who know what i mean!)

i feel really grossed out. b & i have been living on fast food & take outs the whole of last week. our home was so, so dirty that i could not cook nor could we even use our utensils. b had to ta pau whatever that came ready to eat. so, fast food was the easiest choice. to top it off, i had numerous mugs of coffee to keep me awake during the day because all the dust was making my sinus act up.
i am still cleaning our home. i am estimating i need another 2/3 more days to get everything done. i can't wait to have a clean home once again and start cooking! i actually miss cooking & having a healthy home cooked meal.
i told b today's the last day of food crap. even though he still needs to ta pau food for another 2/3 days, it'd be salads & pastries!

i am so so thankful for b. we had a discussion 2/3 weeks back and we agreed that i would quit my job at our company & be a full-time housewife cum a stay-at-home mother (soon, i hope!). truth be told, i can no longer see myself in our company running it together with him. we got into a lot of arguments & then there was anger & resentment, & it would sometimes spill into our personal lives which made everything unhappy & unbearable.
it is so much better now. i can actually say that we are so much happier & it seems like this huge pressure has been lifted. we argue a lot less (for where is there a relationship without any fights?). i might even venture to say that we are more loving towards each other now (well, maybe I am because i'm a lot more submissive now!) & we actually take the time to savour each other's company (because we are not constantly seeing each other 24/7 now!)
i must admit, never in a million years would i imagine myself in this typical woman's role. i was always argumentative & head-strong (ie stubborn. head-strong is just a better way of saying it). i must also say, i am really enjoying my time at home: cleaning the home, doing laundry, cooking dinner for him, etc. this is so, so new to me - actually enjoying it.
i also know for a fact that we are both less stressed now. we are not at each other's throats over work anymore. after our first miscarriage, when we were trying, there was a lot going on back then, with work & his granny being really ill. when we did find the time to try, it was either he could not perform or i was entirely put off by the sheer idea of him touching me (me not performing). well, he certainly has no problems now! he's ready anytime, anywhere, at the drop of a pin! I am trying to keep up!
i'm just tying up loose ends for the company now & handing them over. we have not actually put a final date to it, it'll just be whenever everything's done which works out for both of us.
oh! also, he's encouraging me to start something on my own & i do have a couple of ideas of what i want to do. of course all these ideas revolve around pregnancy & motherhood & i must say, he's really excited about a number of them. well, i have already started researching some of them before i make a decision. but of course with the defects list this week & the major cleaning operation i have to do, top with tying up loose ends for the company, i'm just taking it easy with "my business".
again, i'm so glad that i have got b as a husband. he's supportive, encourages me AND most importantly, he believes in me. : )

we are doing our home defects list this whole week. & i must say its horrendous! the amount of dust coating EVERYTHING is unimaginable. as there are cracks on the walls & even the ceiling, they have to hack the walls to re-cement them. i'm staying home to watch the workers & cleaning at the same time. thankfully they are doing it room by room so that we can at least have one clean room!
i opted not to get any help in throughout this week as i figured that i would be wasting time & money. i would still have to supervise the help as i would not want them to skip corners. besides if i'm home, i might as well just clean (& i might add that i do a damn good job!)
we have been postponing our defects list as we were dreading it. it has now been 2 years. we figured since i'm not pregnant now, we might as well do it. we definitely would not want to do this during a pregnancy & also not when a baby has arrived!

that's why i've not been blogging lately (although i DO have a lot to say). i'm too busy cleaning!

dear God,

it's me e. i would like to start off with thanking you for all the blessings in my life. i have a loving family, good in-laws, amazing friends, am financially secure and not forgetting a truly wonderful and supportive husband.
as b & i embark on trying for a baby, we leave it in your hands. we completely trust you. we know that you have plans for us & you want the best for us.
i know this is not going to be an easy journey as we do not know "when" it will happen. i might get impatient & frustrated. but when i do get too engrossed in self pity, please give me a nudge to remind me of the blessings you have already given me.
i know that you will never give us more than we can humanly take.

love,
e

dear friends,

i want all of you to know that i really treasure our friendships. all of you mean so much to me. you are always there through the good, bad & downright ugly! although some of us might not meet or talk as often, you were there whenever i needed you. you gave me comfort & consoled me. you made me feel better. you made my world sunny again. i constantly thank God for all of you. i am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends.
i hope i have been as good a friend to all of you as you have been to me. if i have fallen short, please forgive me. i will try harder. i know i am not perfect.
throughout the course of our friendships, i hope i have been supportive towards your dreams, dilemmas, and choices. i hope i have been giving good or at the very least, reasonable advice. i might not have agreed or understood all your decisions, but at least i have been supportive of you. i have always been there. i'm always on your side & i always want the best for you. i only have good thoughts & prayers for you.
i would like to let you know that b & i have started trying again (albeit taking it lightly because we are sometimes too lazy to do it!). i know that all of you will not be able to understand our decision & i do not blame you. how can you understand if you are not in our shoes? how can you understand the yearning?
some of you will question why, why, why? even tell me that maybe God is saying it's not the right time yet. well, that may be true. b & i KNOW that ONLY God has the power to bless us with a child. it is all in His hands. He has plans for us & He will only bless us with a baby at His timing. but this doesn't mean that b & i do not have to do our part. it can't be the immaculate conception! we'll do our part & when God thinks it's the right time, it will happen.
just as i have supported some of you through stuff (sometimes it was the same thing over AND over again)which i did not agree with, i would like to ask for your support now. just be happy for b & i. WE are happy. so why not join us & share our joy? just have good thoughts & prayers for us.

love,
e

p/s: one way to look at it is we are making a baby (something good) and not selling drugs or dvds or wife swapping!

it's so not fair! i have gained 2kg! what are the odds? i stayed the same weight throughout BOTH pregnancies & now that i'm not pregnant anymore, i gain weight. what more: i have been eating healthy AND cooking! sigh........

my cycle has come to an end. this time round, it really took its toll. i have never bled & cramped so much! i guess it's because it's my first cycle after so long & after the d&c. well, i'm just glad it's over.

i cooked dinner tonight, & i'm happy to announce that it was a success! (for those who don't know me: i have never cooked in my entire life). it makes me happy that i managed to provide an edible meal for b & i. it makes me feel nice that b comes back to a clean home, with a home cooked meal. i'm getting so domesticated & i actually like it!
well, i'm trying out recipes from my eating well when you're expecting book. i figured before i get pregnant, i should at least attempt the recipes given to weed out what i like or don't like & also to try to master the recipes. besides, this also goes in line with my attempts to eat healthy as the recipes given are recipes that revolve around getting the best nutrients possible.
so, here's to getting better at cooking!