i have relapsed. i'm trying extremely hard to keep my head above water. the clouds are here again (in full force now). i was getting back on my feet again, baby steps by baby steps........only to completely slide down the slope now.
i can't find joy or anything to be happy about anywhere. i do not want to see anyone, not even those close to me. i don't want to talk about it.
i just want to be.

i have completely crashed. have not gone out of the house since a week ago. have been moody, grumpy, angry and bawling.
i'm totally in the depression stage. i can't find any relief nor joy nor humour at all. can't even face people. it's like there's a constant weight pressing down on me. clouds of sadness just hover around me. there have been days when i can't even get out of bed. it's either i don't eat or i gorge myself. i am never in the mood for anything.
i used to love christmas. people around me should know. but this year, it's just .............it irritates me that people are out there, smiling, happy, christmas shopping. i attempted just that. i was hoping that maybe with the christmas decorations and carols, it would lift my mood. it didn't happen. after just mooching around for bout two hours, i was even more depressed and angrier still.
how is it that people are happy out there when i'm like this? i miss my baby so, so much. i'm sad and at times angry that he's not here. it just seems so unfair. celebrities who drink, smoke and what's worse do drugs happily get pregnant AND remain pregnant with healthy babies. what the hell is going on?!
this was supposed to have been my time. my greatest joy. my birthday, christmas and my baby's birth during my favourite month. but now..........i won't be celebrating at all because there's nothing to celebrate.
i also hate that when people try to understand, the first thing they say is that "he's in a better place" or "he would want us to continue our lives and be happy". I KNOW! have not i been living my life these past few months? has not life continued like normal? WHY can't they understand and just listen? i have not been moping around being sad. can't i just take this time to do what i need? MY SON was due this month! can't i just mourn him now? i'm angry now. i should stop.

m not doing so well lately. have been having more down days. its drawing nearer to my "due date". guess tts the reason. i catch myself thinking "if only...........". i'm easily annoyed by b. he doesnt even remember! wt an ass! all he thinks about is work. doesnt know y i'm irritable & moody. v (or more like I) stopped trying. m never in the mood lately. sometimes all i can think of is "what could have been".

i think i probably jinxed my chances by telling people tt v r trying now. nope, not pregnant yet.........wt do u think?

i was asked recently if i ever question myself as to whether i did the right thing; ie the termination. my answer was "without a shadow of doubt". how can others ask this of me? do they really think that i would not have done everything i could to save my baby? do they really think that i did it for fun? don't they know the pain & sorrow i went through? it was not even an option to carry my baby to term. that was NEVER gonna happen. all the docs i went to consult said the same thing (& i did go to a number of docs in the hopes that ONE would have told me a different story). i can't believe some of the people out there. i guess they'll never understand the pain of it all if they have never been pregnant & they have never bonded they way mothers bond with their babies in the womb. they just want to give their unsolicited 2 cents worth - just like back seat drivers!

i can't remember the last time we had sex. it has been so crazy lately! there was work to deal with, our counterparts came down for ONE whole week. then there's his granny who's really sick. so after work, we have to go back to his place to spend time with her. we usually get back home close to midnight. and by then i am flat out! then the same cycle starts again the next day. when sunday comes around (we work on saturdays too) i'm just so tired that all we do is sleep-in, order food in and watch tv. sigh..........how to get pregnant like this?

since my period's over, we are trying again (somewhat casually to keep it "light & easy"). dont want to put pressure on this (u know what they say about "pressure"). so we're just having fun. we have not reached the point whereby we're having loads of sex & doing it just to get pregnant - yet.
anyway, i went out to buy clear blue in preparation. the stupid stick is not cheap. since guardian was having a sale on clear blue (it was RM10 cheaper), i went there. i had to go to THREE guardians before i could get my hands on the sticks. they were all sold out! apparently everyone is trying to get pregnant too............................
well, when i managed to get my hands on them, i bought three boxes (sets of two)! talk about being kiasu! well, if i get lucky on the first stick, then i can always give the remaining ones to whoever's trying to get pregnant!

things my baby boy gave me during his short time with me:
- new outlook on life: don't sweat the small stuff, patience and always lookout for the pros instead of cons
- healthier intake of food: more veg & fruits!!!
- value family relationships: both mine & b's
- closer realtionship with God
thank you my dear darling boy. mummy feels a lot calmer & more at peace at this stage in life because of you. i love you so, so much.

am half way through my period now. my m-i-l boiled "dong quai" (which is a chinese herb) for me to "heal my womb", as the chinese say. she knows now that whenever i have my periods, i am flat out the first two days from total exhaustion. so i guess it's her way of showing that she's concerned for me as well :)
i have to say, she was really good to me after i had my termination. she cooked specially for me everyday for almost two weeks! bear in my mind that these were separate dishes from the rest of the family, just for me, so she had to cook twice at each meal! and it was all the extremely good stuff to heal my body with. so i guess you can say that i was pampered then.
am really grateful to her for taking the extra time just to nourish me. the only way to repay her is to give her another grandchild. and hopefully soon too.

the wait is over. no more frustrations. i got my period this morning.......... :(

question: is it better to take folic acid after having alcohol or none at all?
irony: pms symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are almost ALWAYS the same. hence, if you are like me, ie trying to get pregnant, you would know how frustrating it is. i catch myself thinking "hey, is this a sign of pregnancy or that my period's coming?" i have to wait until my expected first day of my period to pee on the stick to know (if my period doesn't come early!)

i just started reading the memory keeper's daughter by kim edwards. it's about how a mother delivers twins (which she wasn't expecting) - a boy and a girl. the girl turns out to have down syndrome while the boy is completely normal. the husband, who is a doctor and who delivered the babies, asks his nurse to send the daughter away. he in turn tells his wife that the daughter died during birth. i've read up to her longing and yearning for her daughter, thinking that she's dead, and how she never got to see her at all. she runs through the whole gamut of emotions and finally decides to have a memorial service for her daughter for closure.
i definitely can relate and understand what she's going through. maybe i shouldn't be reading this book because it's bringing back memories.
i did have a prayer session for my boy too. i told my mum to arrange it before the termination. it was held in my parents' home. i was crying, and it's the sort that starts from the bottom of your gut to the top of your lungs kind of bawling - non-stop. i just could not stop! i wanted to pray that my boy will go up to heaven and be with his creator and father. so that he'd be safe.
but as it turned out, the pastor started praying for a miracle. i was completely taken aback and with all my thoughts and emotions running wild, i couldn't comprehend. at first i was angry that that was not what i wanted. then i got hopeful and believed. then i did an about turn and was angry again that she was just giving me false hopes.
by the next day, when i checked into the hospital, i was sane again and i completely left it to god to decide. i was not angry when it turned out that i still had to terminate my pregnancy. i know god has bigger plans for me. it was his way of saying that it was not the right time for b and i to have a baby then.
so here i am, playing my part and waiting for god to answer my prayer. i know it will happen. i believe it will happen. it's only a matter of when.

b and i are trying to get pregnant. we embarked on this "quest" after i had to terminate my first pregnancy. that was heartbreaking even though it was an unplanned pregnancy. it has been roughly 2+ months now since. yet i still catch myself thinking of my baby boy. it's never easy when it hits. i get depressed and sad throughout the day. b doesn't understand it. i don't blame him. i was the one carrying our child. i just didn't expect myself to bond so quickly with my baby. he was 13 weeks by the time it was done. an extra chromosome. he would not have even survived in my womb. not our fault they said. it's just bad luck, freak of nature. but why oh why did it have to happen to you? i miss you sooo much. b and i just became "statistics" overnight. you know how you read in articles about how stuff happens to people and you dismiss it as "it will never happen to me". well, like i said, we just became statistics overnight. the people you read about in articles, they're us! AND it does happen.