so......this sunday was supposed to be my due date for my twins. hmm........it came as a shock to me as i never stored it in my memory. i never even noted it down. but b did. he jotted it down on our calendar and i must say it came as quite a shocker when i flipped the calendar to october and there it was - "BABY".
i must admit a flood of emotions came rushing in. first there was guilt: guilt that we moved on with our lives so well, guilt that we didn't even bother to remember, guilt that we are enjoying life again, guilt that we are taking a break from "baby making", etc. there's just so much guilt. then came anger: anger that i miscarried twice, anger that b noted it down on our calendar, anger at others with their babies out and about, anger that the world continued revolving and life went on. then came the questions: why, why, why?
but guess what finally came? peace and serenity...........this was the best part: at peace with my miscarriages, at peace that our lives went on, at peace that we should be enjoying life now, at peace with the fact that all my babies are with God, at peace with the knowledge that this was God's will. i have finally been able to free myself from the burden of when, when, when by casting all my troubles onto God and leaving it in His hands and trusting Him completely.
yes, i do think of my twins now. but i do it in a joyful manner : ) (not in a woe befall me manner!).