my cycle has come to an end. this time round, it really took its toll. i have never bled & cramped so much! i guess it's because it's my first cycle after so long & after the d&c. well, i'm just glad it's over.

i cooked dinner tonight, & i'm happy to announce that it was a success! (for those who don't know me: i have never cooked in my entire life). it makes me happy that i managed to provide an edible meal for b & i. it makes me feel nice that b comes back to a clean home, with a home cooked meal. i'm getting so domesticated & i actually like it!
well, i'm trying out recipes from my eating well when you're expecting book. i figured before i get pregnant, i should at least attempt the recipes given to weed out what i like or don't like & also to try to master the recipes. besides, this also goes in line with my attempts to eat healthy as the recipes given are recipes that revolve around getting the best nutrients possible.
so, here's to getting better at cooking!

we went jalan-jalan at gardens yesterday. i used to avoid malls on weekends because of the crowd. but i must admit it has grown on me since my pregnancies. i mean, weekends ARE the only time when the whole family can get together. besides, it's not too bad. i like heading to 1-u, pavillion & gardens (all for different reasons). the only thing in common is that these malls seem huge and hence the crowds seem more manageable. a definite no-no on weekends is ikea. it's so packed!
i decided to check out borders at gardens. it has since become my favourite place for books on pregnancy & parenting. they have such a wide selection. even if times & mph combined, they still would not come close to borders' selection. borders aims to fill up their shelves with variety not quantity (there would be maybe a max of 3 books of each title). where as times & mph fill their shelves with maybe 10 -20 of each title. oh! also, they had books on miscarriage & trying again after a pregnancy loss. see what i mean by variety? too bad they do not have a membership program (i like to think that i can get something in return for the money i spend).
we did grocery shopping after. i am slowly but surely changing the stuff that i am used to buying. i am going organic AND bio-degradable. i mean sure they are more expensive but i feel safer knowing that i am trying to cut out the toxins & pesticides. i am not only doing this for b & i, but i would like to raise our kids this way too. since both our miscarriages were described as "it just happened. no explanation or cause. it's just nature",who's to say that maybe some of the toxins around us were not the cause?
another thing i bought yesterday was a "stamped cross stitch". this is different from the cloth type. it's on a quilt. i figured i could learn how to do it - i can't. i do not know how to start. help anybody?

everyone keep on telling me to give my a body a rest before trying again. some go as far as to tell me to "take this whole year off from 'project baby' ". i know they mean well & want the best for me. after all, these are people who are my family (literally & friends who I have adopted as my family).
however, i do not think that they can even begin to grasp the yearning inside of me to try as soon as possible. it is so, so strong that sometimes it hurts - physically. i am not trying to replace my babies who are with God now. nothing can replace them. besides every pregnancy experience is different. they were all special journeys, each in their own way. the yearning is to HAVE a baby of my own, to become a mother. there is also the other parts of pregnancy which i never got to - the second trimester, feeling my baby kick/move, having my belly grow (& not because i'm just fat)! i never could go past week 10 in my week-to-week pregnancy guidebook.
even b feels it. isn't that a miracle on its own? he would sometimes look downcast & then turn to me & say "i want a baby". so can you imagine the bond he had with our twins to feel this way? & he did not carry our babies! i'm just glad i basically forced him to talk to our babies every night. i made it into a habit for him & he benefited from it. he bonded with our babies.
i know how he feels as i feel it too. i guess he & i are the only ones who understand this yearning as we were in this together. all i can do now is hope & pray (& i do constantly) that God will bless us soon with a successful pregnancy & a healthy, perfect baby.
all i ask for is that everyone else support us as we start our journey - again (with good thoughts & prayers)

i've come to realise that not many of my girlfriends know what a d&c is. so i hope the information below will help.

what it is:
d&c stands for dilation & curettage (dilation:enlarging or opening, curettage: scraping or removing the contents of the uterus)

why it is done:
to remove the fetus (if a miscarriage has occurred) and tissue remains to lower the risk of infection and bleeding. the option of waiting for the body to expel the fetus and remains on its own (depending on the doc's recommendations) is possible. however, this involves waiting and not knowing exactly when the body will begin the process (lower abdomen cramping usually signals the starting point, as the body is trying to push the fetus out)

how it is done:
general anesthesia is administered. the cervix is dilated (enlarged or widened) using dilators. when the cervix is sufficiently dilated, a curette (a thin spoon like instrument) is inserted into the uterus to scrape clean the lining. sometimes, a vacuum is also used to suck up any fetal tissues remaining in the uterus. d&c is a minor procedure which takes about 15 minutes to perform. there will be a need for an observation period after the procedure though (this is about 2 hours).

before the procedure:
no food and drink allowed 6 hours prior to the d&c.

after the procedure:
cramping and bleeding will follow up until 2 weeks later. antibiotics are given to fend off infection.

well, my personal experience was i had the best 15 minutes of sleep in my entire life! i didn't feel nor remember anything. i was itching to leave after 1/2 an hour (but of course they kept my there for the full 2 hours). i was just lying on the bed with nothing to do. i was so bored. also i was dying to eat chicken rice. i was so so hungry.

the information given above is what i know about d&c. of course there is the wonders of google to find out more about the procedure (not forgetting your own doctor!)

i got my period yesterday. this is my first cycle after my d&c. i must admit that before this, i thought that i could have been pregnant. it was driving me crazy because i was waiting & waiting for my cycle to start!
b & i only had unprotected sex once after the d&c. it was on the spur of the moment & we were so damn horny! (we abstained from sex when i was pregnant because of the bleeding i had & it was all so touch and go). of course we stopped buying condoms the moment we decided to start trying after my first pregnancy & there were none in sight at that moment. my kind considerate friend p, once she heard we had unprotected sex, gave me a condom there & then (surprising me that she carries condoms!) ; ) anyway, we have stocked up since.
i have completely forgotten how my menstrual cycle was. oh the memories are all flooding back: the cramps (not pleasant at all), the tiredness (i wanna sleep through the day) & the mood swings (in the extremes - & poor b gets the brunt of it). i think i wouldn't mind being pregnant forever if this means that i will stop getting my period!
oh well, that's a woman's life. we go through our periods monthly AND we have to go through pregnancy & childbirth. it seems men have it easy.
anyway, my doc says to wait for two menstrual cycles to be over before trying again. well, this is the first one (besides we should at least use the condoms we bought)

i find it absolutely annoying & frustrating that miscarriage is such a taboo subject in our culture. i still have not found any support group for women like me. everybody focuses on pregnant women & mothers. well, we were pregnant once too. just because we are not anymore, so we are discarded? tossed aside? even the bookstores here do not carry books on this subject matter. you have to place a special order for them.
don't get me wrong. i have done my mourning & i am ok now. i am not depressed now (for my friends who know me & who might get worried after reading this!). i am angry! yes! that's what i am right now.
i have been thinking that maybe i am supposed to do something about this situation. i can't be the only one who has had to do a termination & then miscarry in the whole entire kl & who needed support then! only problem is i do not where to start. well, i do keep my eye out for opportunities or maybe a way to kick this off. maybe i should start with this blog. well, for all those who do read my blog, feel free to contact me if you are in the same situation or if you know of someone who is in the same situation & who needs support or just to talk. i am also open to tips & suggestions on how to start this!

changes in me that i've noticed since:

• i simply can NOT tolerate watching any form of violence in movies or on tv programs (no more Saw movies for me - just the thought of it makes my hair stand!)
• i do NOT watch any horror or supernatural movies or tv programs anymore
• i absolutely LOVE Discovery Home & Health
• i categorize everything into 2 categories: wholesome or filth
• i do not buy gossip magazines anymore (in fact b is the one who updates me on the latest goss now!)
• i try to eat healthier ( i actually read the labels on the box BEFORE buying the item)
• i have also started cooking (without much success i'm afraid but you can only get better!)
• i actually quite enjoy playing housewife
• i have turned into my mother

sigh, the last one was something i swore when i was growing up that I would NEVER become. i guess the adage that everybody turns into their parents is true.

someone told someone and that someone told me the other day that my body needs "re-tuning" or an "overhaul". i must admit i was not very pleased when i heard this. was this person saying that my two miscarriages were my fault? my body's fault? was she blaming me?
to me, this was equivalent to saying that there was something wrong with God's creation - me. but then i realised i was taking it too personally. this person meant well but it just came out wrong.
b & i have come to our own conclusions on why we've gone through two unsuccessful pregnancies. we believe that God has been "preparing" us for a child. when we do have a baby (or babies - who knows?) WE will be responsible for this child's well-being. this child has to be raised on an abundance of love and trust. we have to set the right attitudes, morals, etc. for this child. we have to lead by example.
i never knew how much i wanted to be a mother (even though i have always loved babies) until these two incidences happened. i was never like my girlfriends whose ambitions were to get married & have kids since young. i wanted my honeymoon period with b. i wanted to continue to do the things we did before we got married. God was telling me it's time to grow up, that there are more important things in life & that life does not just revolve around b & i, in our own world.
there's another thing i think that God was trying to tell us: walk a closer walk with Him. i have to admit that even though my faith has always been strong, i don't really know Him & His words. i don't know what it says in the bible, i don't go to church. i was born into this faith. that was about it. how can i raise a child without religion? without faith? how can i raise a child not knowing God? how can i raise a child if i myself do not know God? i have started walking a closer walk with God. i've begun to read my bible again, praying daily with praise & worshipping. THIS has been God's greatest gift to me. i can't thank Him enough for this gift.
i feel that i've come out of these experiences a much better & stronger person. it was an emotional roller coaster for sure, but hey, what does not kill you can only make you stronger! and i would not trade my experiences for anything else in this world.

praise God! our test came back normal. i can not begin to describe the huge relief i felt. it's like this really heavy burden has been lifted.
you know, i never knew what tears of joy were up until i found out the results. my doc had tried calling me but i did not hear the phone so then she sms-ed me with "your chromosomes are normal". such beautiful words. when i saw the sms, i immediately called b but he did not pick up. so then i called my friend s. when the i was waiting for her to pick up, i started bawling & i couldnt stop! when she answered, i could only babble between sobs. hee, hee. i think i got her kinda worried. she was in a meeting & could not talk. i in turn sms-ed her to tell her not to worry cause i was crying tears of joy.
i guess i managed to successfully push the test to the back of my mind - somewhat. i was not thinking bout it constantly. i mean i continued praying bout it but that was about all i did. so i guess when it came all so unexpectedly, i just crumbled. only then did i realise that huge weight bearing on me.
based on my doc's track record, of course i went to see her to collect the report & confirm the results with her. but before i went, i researched & read up on recurrent miscarriages (the wonders of google) and made a whole long list of questions for (they were TWO pages long!) and of course she patiently answered every single one of them.
well, the journey starts here..........

we have been given hope! oh joy!
what i'm about to blog about is going to make all of you think that we have an incompetent doc. and yes it may all sound that way after you've read this but all i can say is both b & i simply can not explain the situation below simply because we believed it as well. and for those who know me, you would know that i ALWAYS check my facts, even for the simplest or smallest of decisions, because i'm so anal and i do NOT like to be wrong. hence i can't explain why in this situation (which is HUGE), i, even b did not bother to verify the facts! it's almost like we were in a dream. thinking back, it just feels so, so strange because it's not me.
here it goes: my first baby did not have trisomy 13. he had trisomy 18. which means we have a slightly better hope (we never gave up on our hopes - it's just a "more optimistic" one now) because this can not be a hereditary thing! i can not explain my doc's wrong conclusion about trisomy 13 in the first pregnancy. i can not explain our own convictions that our boy also had trisomy 13. we have copies of the test results from our first boy. we believed it so strongly that he had trisomy 13 that we did not bring the report out to verify or to confirm it. maybe all three of us were "clouded in a haze". yes i agree that she has more responsibility simply because she's the doc. but how do i explain MY own out of characteristic-ness? i can't.
i know all the slack i'm going to get and all the "should you change docs?" but you know what? we are sticking with her. people might think that we are crazy to do so but BOTH b & i are comfortable & feel safe with her because she has always wanted what's best for me, medically of course. we know that she's on our side. she's not giving up on us having a baby. she continues to hope for us as well.
of course now the outlook is better in the sense that our second pregnancy could have been another "fluke of nature". but then, couples usually only go through one episode of any "flukes of nature". it seems like we are hitting all the big ones. our case is extremely rare that we hit 18 and then now 13. my doc says the chances of winning the lottery is easier than hitting 18 AND then 13.
i'm stumped now. i dont know where to go to look for stats or answers on our case. all the websites just tell you all about either trisomy 18 or trisomy 13. what bout us? our babies had both!
my doc does not want us to worry when there is nothing to worry about now because our blood tests are not back yet. she remains very optimistic for us. i guess in her own way, she is also pulling us through.
well, like i said, we are sticking with her. like my friend p said, don't care what other people might say or think, as long as I am comfortable with her, then it's ok to stick with her - just remember to reconfirm everything from now on!

i do not blame my doc. in fact i really like her & i'm really comfortable with her. both b & i saw a number of docs before her before finally deciding to stick with her. we talk to her like how we talk to our friends. and most importantly, we trust her.
the decisions ALL three of us made were based on her recommendations & knowledge lumped together with our own research and going back to her with a list of questions for clarification. and she took her time going through them answering our questions and making sure we understood thoroughly. besides, we didn't have red alerts going through our heads because nobody in our families had any problems like this before.
my doc didnt want me to delay the inevitable the first time round. also she didnt want me to get anymore bonded with my baby then i already had. it would have been more difficult i guess if i continued bonding with my baby. besides, I am her patient. not my baby. so she wanted to do what's best for me.
this second time round, she fought for me to keep my babies even though the prognosis was not good. as long as there were heartbeats, she told me to maintain the pregnancy. the diff? because this second time round she couldn't see any deformities - they were still too small. it was just the heartbeat rates. and she said who knows? maybe the heartbeats would go up. she was not willing to recommend termination as long as she could not see any deformities on the scan.
the first time round, the deformities were so apparent on the scan. we did a cvs for confirmation. then that was it. there was nothing she could do to change the prognosis. so she recommended what's best for me.
all i'm saying is, i know my doc does not recommend termination lightly & i KNOW for a fact that she would really like to see b & i having a baby. she has not given up hope for us, neither has she given up on us. and so all three of us soldier on.

i have been struggling. with all the other things we know now and the possibility of this being a heriditary genetic defect, i am trying really hard to come to terms with the fact that we terminated our first pregnancy. WE made the choice to end it. WE forced our baby boy out into this world with him still living and his heart still beating. WE aborted our boy. WE killed our child.
i know it's useless thinking like this. if it was to happen all over again, we would most probably have done the same thing. i just wished that there was a support group in kl for parents who are being faced with the termination possibility. just some other couples out there who have gone through the same thing. some REAL people who have done it and to just get together to just talk and to give advice and share feelings - the pros & cons, the decision and the AFTER - guilt.
if only our doc had given us the other pic - the one with the 5% survival rate & the percentage of how long my baby would have survived in my womb. if only she had told us that we could have the option of not terminating but to wait a while longer and to let my baby naturally miscarry. or that even if i managed to carry to term, the harsh reality then. i'm just saying that too much focus in our life is on the overwhelming statistics, and that everything and everyone has to be "perfect". well, you know what? life isn't! so why should there be a distinction between looking normal and not? why not look at the extermely small percentile and yes these babies might not look normal but hey they don't know that. it would be the only life they now. and isn't it all about quality of life? there are so many of us now, in adulthood, and yet we are NOT happy. why? because we're normal? because we have expectations or expectations to live up to? we have dreams - unfulfilled til now? we want & want more. nothing's ever enough. we feel happy now and then, but overwhelmingly we dwell on the things that we don't have. we feel happy being unhappy. NOW, i know that if we had kept our baby boy and he survived (maybe for a day or two or maybe longer - who knows) and let's just say he would have been one of those who really "looks" trisomy 13, he would have had the best damn life during his short stint. he would have been surrounded by love, joy, awe & he would have felt & known it.
i'm just struggling with the possibility that if we had kept our baby for another 2 /3 weeks, maybe my baby's heartbeat would have stopped on its own. then it would not have been our choice but God's decision.

i requested that my babies be tested to see if they had genetic defects and also to see if we had boys or girls. this time round, we had girls! b & i have always wanted a boy first, then a girl (or in this case, girls). we want the older boy to look out for the little one(s). it seems like we would have had our little perfect family if i had not miscarry.
i was completely shaken up when my doc told us our girls had trisomy 13 too. this was what our baby boy had the first time. how can this be? based on what i read the last time about trisomy 13 (& i read A LOT - i needed answers), this was a once off "freak" of nature incident. all our hopes were put into this incident NOT happening again.
the chances of trisomy 13 is 1 out of 10,000 births and the recurrence rate is 0.6%. just to round it up -1%. trisomy 13 is the worst kind of genetic defect in the medical books because trisomy 13 causes MULTIPLE disabilities AND defects. the babies do not survive in the womb. even if they do, and are brought into this world, over 90% do not survive pass 24 hours.
to know that all our babies had trisomy 13 have thrown us into a curve. we have had our blood taken for genetic testing. it takes three weeks to get the results back - these are three long and torturous weeks for me. i am agitated, nervous, restless, the list goes on.
i asked my doc if there is indeed a defective gene from either b & i, who would be the likely culprit that is causing the trisomy 13. the answer? me. the mother. this knowledge cuts me through the core - unwittingly i put my babies through all these pain?
my doc & also based on all the stuff we have read prior, did not think that we might have another occurrence of trisomy 13. trisomy 13 usually happens once and to older women. the average age is 31 years old. i am 2 years short of that. the hopes that we had to become parents to normal healthy babies are becoming smaller.
i have started looking for answers on the net once again. there IS one type of trisomy 13 which is hereditary - translocation trisomy 13. there are cases of normal babies and babies with trisomy 13 within the same family. even with this hereditary condition, it does not necessarily affect all the children. this gives us hope. i have also started to look for alternatives. i might be doing all these prematurely because our test results are not back yet. but i can not simply sit around and do nothing.

i found out shortly after my last post that i was pregnant. just when i decided "to hell with it", i was pregnant. talk bout irony.
this time round, i knew i was preggers even before my period was due. i finally got to use the clear blues i bought! i pee-d on 4 sticks! even then i wanted more reassurance - i bought the digital one. now, THAT is a wonderful invention. it clearly states in b&w the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant".
when i went to my doc the next day for confirmation, i was only bout 2 1/2 weeks. throughout my pregnancy, i saw my doc every week because of my past history. it was up and down from the get-go. i had incidences of bleeding. from the moment i found out i was pregnant, i was home all the time. i was told to get bed rest because my doc feared i would miscarry cause of the bleeding.
next, my baby's heartbeat was not up to par. but we continued to hang on. the next week, it dropped. then the week after, there was no heartbeat at all. my baby was 7 weeks. my doc scheduled me for a d&c 3 days later. i was completely broken.
the only thing that gave me strength to pull through was my faith and belief in God. i prayed to God that "not our will, but His be done". i belief that He has a purpose for b & i & tt He has a plan for the both of us.
i insisted on a scan before the d&c & guess what? my doc found ANOTHER baby! i had twins! this second baby was 3 weeks late in conception! oh! what joy!
even for this baby, from the get-go the prognosis was not good as my doc felt that both the babies shared the same genetic make-up. even baby's heartbeat was low. there was nothing she could do to help - medically. but for b & i, this baby was in itself a miracle from God. this was unexpected. we were never praying for something like this. it was such a wondrous surprise. though i must admit that both b & i were cautiously happy bout this baby.
the next week, i had miscarried. there were no more heartbeats. i went in for a d&c 3 days later.
i am not angry. i am sad & i hurt. i miss them so, so much! no more talking to baby bout American Idol, Jon & Kate Plus 8, no more bedtime fairytales before bed (i would read one story & do voices & all! then b would read another story to my bellly) - just no more.
even so, i thank and praise God for this second experience. these are trials that God has put b & i through. this has made us grown even closer to each other. we are each other's pillar of support & strength. i would even go so far as to say that this has made our relationship deeper, stronger, closer, and more meaningful. i thank God for this.
one way i'm looking at this whole experience is that God loves our babies so much that He wants them with Him now. this thought brings joy to my heart & soul.