caleb would have been one this month.

christmas has never been the same for me again. i'm not back where i was last year, all depressed and confining myself in the house, but i am also not going all out to celebrate christmas anymore. i'm not putting up the tree, i'm not planning to host christmas dinners for our families, nothing.
don't get me wrong, i'm not angry or sad anymore. it's just that i've lost that christmasy feeling.

a sign of personal growth would be to share in someone else's happiness and be truly happy for them when their prayers are answered first before yours. it's not easy and sometimes it's a struggle. but like i said, you grow and you mature. and when you are there sharing the joy, you feel great and almost "zen like". that is when you are calm and at peace with everything in the world. nothing can ever spoil that feeling.

from my last posting, it was obviously a temporary slip for me. it was my fault, really. i was playing "keeping up with the jones' ". i guess it's only human to fall once in a while when you're doing so well.
well, i'm good again! every thing's the way it's meant to be and i'm happy, contented and at peace with everything again.

"i know and believe you are there God. i'm sorry for doubting you. you have made me see the path again. please forgive me."

to p all the way in aus: thank you so much. your words lifted me and warmed my heart : )

dear God it's me e.
where are you? why, why, why? am not i worthy enough? am i not holy enough? am i not good enough? have i not spent enough hours praying? have i not spent enough time with you? have i been bad?
why is it that some people get their prayers answered so easily? why do you heap blessings after blessings onto them? what about b and i? are we doing something wrong here or are there things that we are not doing?
i'm crashing into a downward spiral of despair and it feels like i can't stop it. it feels like i'm walking in darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel. please God, please. where are you?

well, it's been some time since my last blog............... and for those who think that i'm preggers: i'm not - yet. well, i've been going back to the office. i'm in everyday except for sundays. it's not anything structured and it's on a very ad-hoc basis. i don't have a fixed set of hours. so, i've been busy, busy, busy.
on another note, the evening primrose oil pills, seem to work! i've not been mood swinging much lately. (notice i said much. well the mood swings are not completely gone yet!)