"Naked i came from my mother's womb, and naked i will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised" - Job 1:21

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" - Job 2:10

i've noticed recently that my mood swings before and after my period have been getting worse. it starts one week before my period's due, then i'll have one good week during my period, then it starts again after my cycle's done for one week, then i'll be stable again and have one good week. i would be irritable, angry most of the time (wanting to scream and shout kind of angry) and moody. and poor b gets the brunt of it all. i'll be lovey-dovey with him one minute then turn into this angry monster the next!
i realised that even i didn't like myself during these times. i also realised that i only get 2 good weeks in a month! so, as any sane person would, i talked to my doc (for only the truly crazy would still insist that this is normal. besides if they are really crazy, they wouldn't know that they need help, would they?).
back to my doc. she thinks that it's because of my recent "due date". she says that maybe subconsciously i've not let everything go yet. well, i don't know if this rings true (the letting things go part) for i have come to terms with it and am at peace with it. it was just not the time for us. i think maybe it was the "due date" part. maybe i subconsciously stored it away in my memory and it just came pouring out. (a note to point out is that even when i was "mood swinging" i never thought of my miscarriages. i was always in the present)
well, since the "due date" has passed and i'm on evening primrose oil now (the period pill), i hope things go back to normal! fingers crossed!

fact sheets on cervical cancer. please click on the image to enlarge it.

so i went for my final "prevent cervical cancer" jab last week. the jabs are spread out within a 7 months period. it's a total of 3 jabs. after the first one, the second jab is a month later. then comes the final jab after 6 months. the total cost of the jabs is RM1,200 (a very small price to pay to prevent cancer don't you think?).

it felt just like home, walking into the clinic. it's like "cheers - where everybody knows your name". hopefully i'll be back soon for another visit with good news ; )

so......this sunday was supposed to be my due date for my twins. hmm........it came as a shock to me as i never stored it in my memory. i never even noted it down. but b did. he jotted it down on our calendar and i must say it came as quite a shocker when i flipped the calendar to october and there it was - "BABY".
i must admit a flood of emotions came rushing in. first there was guilt: guilt that we moved on with our lives so well, guilt that we didn't even bother to remember, guilt that we are enjoying life again, guilt that we are taking a break from "baby making", etc. there's just so much guilt. then came anger: anger that i miscarried twice, anger that b noted it down on our calendar, anger at others with their babies out and about, anger that the world continued revolving and life went on. then came the questions: why, why, why?
but guess what finally came? peace and serenity...........this was the best part: at peace with my miscarriages, at peace that our lives went on, at peace that we should be enjoying life now, at peace with the fact that all my babies are with God, at peace with the knowledge that this was God's will. i have finally been able to free myself from the burden of when, when, when by casting all my troubles onto God and leaving it in His hands and trusting Him completely.
yes, i do think of my twins now. but i do it in a joyful manner : ) (not in a woe befall me manner!).

i already know what sort of mum i would be. i'd be the type who records and keeps everything. everything would be too precious to chuck out; especially things or art that my is made by my kids! so i'd need a home with loads of storage! ; )

little i's masterpiece!

it's been two whole weeks now since my cousin left with little i to go back to melbourne. it feels like a whole damn month (or even longer, if that's possible!!!!) oh.... i miss them terribly. the once a week excursions with them was always the highlight of my past weeks. sigh, i guess life goes on.
b and & i are planning a trip to visit them next year. if there is any more trips this year, it'll be cuti-cuti malaysia (with pampering in mind!). you know how it is: when we do travel overseas, because our ringgit is so small, it always costs us a bomb, what with the tickets, food, accomodation AND shopping (outlet malls!). so the only time we get to indulge ourselves with 5-star pampering and luxury is here in good ol' malaysia.
well, here's to the trips to come!

this was an extremely rare shot with ther grinning from ear-to-ear!