you know how babies love finding holes and sticking their fingers into them? well baby c found a new hole today - his nostril. he'll have his pointer in his nostril and his thumb in his mouth, simultaneously. and then he looks at you like "what?". and then he bursts into the cheekiest grin possible.

isn't it funny how you know your true heart's desire when you're standing at the edge of the cliff and then push comes to shove? well, i had that moment over the weekend. b and i have always wanted another baby. and i told him i wanted to start trying slightly before baby c turns one. my logic was that i want to get all these sleepless nights and these "slogging" years over and done with before i really can't keep up. then my condition took over and when i thought i had a really major illness and was tired all the time, i told b no more kids. and i was adamant about this. over the weekend i went for a colonoscopy and endoscopy to check out my stomach. i reacted so strongly to the medication that i was vomiting non-stop the whole morning. even the nurses kept on asking me if i was pregnant. i emphatically told them no each time. after the procedure, i came home with medication. and i suffered from such severe nausea which reminded me of how it was when i was pregnant at the beginning of each pregnancy (even b thought that i could be pregnant). slowly the thought and suspicion started to form in my head that i could be pregnant. i'll admit i started to feel excited and extremely happy with this idea. then i did a pregnancy test but it was negative (i took it too early, but then i wanted to make sure that i wasn't harming my baby with this medication). my heart sank. i felt so disappointed. off i went to my gynae JUST to reconfirm and yes, i'm not pregnant. i know i'm on the pill but nothing's really ever fail-safe right? (and i was counting for it NOT to work this time). all i can say is: i'm itching - real bad - to have another baby. i know both b and i agreed to start trying at the end of this year but i can't wait to start! but the reality is this: it would be a lot easier for us (well me really) if we started trying early next year when baby c is in pre-school. i'd have some time off and he'd be walking by then. also, we'd really need to look into getting a bigger place as now baby c's stuff is already swallowing up our apartment. sigh............i hate it when want and need collide!