i found out shortly after my last post that i was pregnant. just when i decided "to hell with it", i was pregnant. talk bout irony.
this time round, i knew i was preggers even before my period was due. i finally got to use the clear blues i bought! i pee-d on 4 sticks! even then i wanted more reassurance - i bought the digital one. now, THAT is a wonderful invention. it clearly states in b&w the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant".
when i went to my doc the next day for confirmation, i was only bout 2 1/2 weeks. throughout my pregnancy, i saw my doc every week because of my past history. it was up and down from the get-go. i had incidences of bleeding. from the moment i found out i was pregnant, i was home all the time. i was told to get bed rest because my doc feared i would miscarry cause of the bleeding.
next, my baby's heartbeat was not up to par. but we continued to hang on. the next week, it dropped. then the week after, there was no heartbeat at all. my baby was 7 weeks. my doc scheduled me for a d&c 3 days later. i was completely broken.
the only thing that gave me strength to pull through was my faith and belief in God. i prayed to God that "not our will, but His be done". i belief that He has a purpose for b & i & tt He has a plan for the both of us.
i insisted on a scan before the d&c & guess what? my doc found ANOTHER baby! i had twins! this second baby was 3 weeks late in conception! oh! what joy!
even for this baby, from the get-go the prognosis was not good as my doc felt that both the babies shared the same genetic make-up. even baby's heartbeat was low. there was nothing she could do to help - medically. but for b & i, this baby was in itself a miracle from God. this was unexpected. we were never praying for something like this. it was such a wondrous surprise. though i must admit that both b & i were cautiously happy bout this baby.
the next week, i had miscarried. there were no more heartbeats. i went in for a d&c 3 days later.
i am not angry. i am sad & i hurt. i miss them so, so much! no more talking to baby bout American Idol, Jon & Kate Plus 8, no more bedtime fairytales before bed (i would read one story & do voices & all! then b would read another story to my bellly) - just no more.
even so, i thank and praise God for this second experience. these are trials that God has put b & i through. this has made us grown even closer to each other. we are each other's pillar of support & strength. i would even go so far as to say that this has made our relationship deeper, stronger, closer, and more meaningful. i thank God for this.
one way i'm looking at this whole experience is that God loves our babies so much that He wants them with Him now. this thought brings joy to my heart & soul.