someone told someone and that someone told me the other day that my body needs "re-tuning" or an "overhaul". i must admit i was not very pleased when i heard this. was this person saying that my two miscarriages were my fault? my body's fault? was she blaming me?
to me, this was equivalent to saying that there was something wrong with God's creation - me. but then i realised i was taking it too personally. this person meant well but it just came out wrong.
b & i have come to our own conclusions on why we've gone through two unsuccessful pregnancies. we believe that God has been "preparing" us for a child. when we do have a baby (or babies - who knows?) WE will be responsible for this child's well-being. this child has to be raised on an abundance of love and trust. we have to set the right attitudes, morals, etc. for this child. we have to lead by example.
i never knew how much i wanted to be a mother (even though i have always loved babies) until these two incidences happened. i was never like my girlfriends whose ambitions were to get married & have kids since young. i wanted my honeymoon period with b. i wanted to continue to do the things we did before we got married. God was telling me it's time to grow up, that there are more important things in life & that life does not just revolve around b & i, in our own world.
there's another thing i think that God was trying to tell us: walk a closer walk with Him. i have to admit that even though my faith has always been strong, i don't really know Him & His words. i don't know what it says in the bible, i don't go to church. i was born into this faith. that was about it. how can i raise a child without religion? without faith? how can i raise a child not knowing God? how can i raise a child if i myself do not know God? i have started walking a closer walk with God. i've begun to read my bible again, praying daily with praise & worshipping. THIS has been God's greatest gift to me. i can't thank Him enough for this gift.
i feel that i've come out of these experiences a much better & stronger person. it was an emotional roller coaster for sure, but hey, what does not kill you can only make you stronger! and i would not trade my experiences for anything else in this world.