i have been struggling. with all the other things we know now and the possibility of this being a heriditary genetic defect, i am trying really hard to come to terms with the fact that we terminated our first pregnancy. WE made the choice to end it. WE forced our baby boy out into this world with him still living and his heart still beating. WE aborted our boy. WE killed our child.
i know it's useless thinking like this. if it was to happen all over again, we would most probably have done the same thing. i just wished that there was a support group in kl for parents who are being faced with the termination possibility. just some other couples out there who have gone through the same thing. some REAL people who have done it and to just get together to just talk and to give advice and share feelings - the pros & cons, the decision and the AFTER - guilt.
if only our doc had given us the other pic - the one with the 5% survival rate & the percentage of how long my baby would have survived in my womb. if only she had told us that we could have the option of not terminating but to wait a while longer and to let my baby naturally miscarry. or that even if i managed to carry to term, the harsh reality then. i'm just saying that too much focus in our life is on the overwhelming statistics, and that everything and everyone has to be "perfect". well, you know what? life isn't! so why should there be a distinction between looking normal and not? why not look at the extermely small percentile and yes these babies might not look normal but hey they don't know that. it would be the only life they now. and isn't it all about quality of life? there are so many of us now, in adulthood, and yet we are NOT happy. why? because we're normal? because we have expectations or expectations to live up to? we have dreams - unfulfilled til now? we want & want more. nothing's ever enough. we feel happy now and then, but overwhelmingly we dwell on the things that we don't have. we feel happy being unhappy. NOW, i know that if we had kept our baby boy and he survived (maybe for a day or two or maybe longer - who knows) and let's just say he would have been one of those who really "looks" trisomy 13, he would have had the best damn life during his short stint. he would have been surrounded by love, joy, awe & he would have felt & known it.
i'm just struggling with the possibility that if we had kept our baby for another 2 /3 weeks, maybe my baby's heartbeat would have stopped on its own. then it would not have been our choice but God's decision.