i have completely crashed. have not gone out of the house since a week ago. have been moody, grumpy, angry and bawling.
i'm totally in the depression stage. i can't find any relief nor joy nor humour at all. can't even face people. it's like there's a constant weight pressing down on me. clouds of sadness just hover around me. there have been days when i can't even get out of bed. it's either i don't eat or i gorge myself. i am never in the mood for anything.
i used to love christmas. people around me should know. but this year, it's just .............it irritates me that people are out there, smiling, happy, christmas shopping. i attempted just that. i was hoping that maybe with the christmas decorations and carols, it would lift my mood. it didn't happen. after just mooching around for bout two hours, i was even more depressed and angrier still.
how is it that people are happy out there when i'm like this? i miss my baby so, so much. i'm sad and at times angry that he's not here. it just seems so unfair. celebrities who drink, smoke and what's worse do drugs happily get pregnant AND remain pregnant with healthy babies. what the hell is going on?!
this was supposed to have been my time. my greatest joy. my birthday, christmas and my baby's birth during my favourite month. but now..........i won't be celebrating at all because there's nothing to celebrate.
i also hate that when people try to understand, the first thing they say is that "he's in a better place" or "he would want us to continue our lives and be happy". I KNOW! have not i been living my life these past few months? has not life continued like normal? WHY can't they understand and just listen? i have not been moping around being sad. can't i just take this time to do what i need? MY SON was due this month! can't i just mourn him now? i'm angry now. i should stop.