isn't it funny how you know your true heart's desire when you're standing at the edge of the cliff and then push comes to shove? well, i had that moment over the weekend. b and i have always wanted another baby. and i told him i wanted to start trying slightly before baby c turns one. my logic was that i want to get all these sleepless nights and these "slogging" years over and done with before i really can't keep up. then my condition took over and when i thought i had a really major illness and was tired all the time, i told b no more kids. and i was adamant about this. over the weekend i went for a colonoscopy and endoscopy to check out my stomach. i reacted so strongly to the medication that i was vomiting non-stop the whole morning. even the nurses kept on asking me if i was pregnant. i emphatically told them no each time. after the procedure, i came home with medication. and i suffered from such severe nausea which reminded me of how it was when i was pregnant at the beginning of each pregnancy (even b thought that i could be pregnant). slowly the thought and suspicion started to form in my head that i could be pregnant. i'll admit i started to feel excited and extremely happy with this idea. then i did a pregnancy test but it was negative (i took it too early, but then i wanted to make sure that i wasn't harming my baby with this medication). my heart sank. i felt so disappointed. off i went to my gynae JUST to reconfirm and yes, i'm not pregnant. i know i'm on the pill but nothing's really ever fail-safe right? (and i was counting for it NOT to work this time). all i can say is: i'm itching - real bad - to have another baby. i know both b and i agreed to start trying at the end of this year but i can't wait to start! but the reality is this: it would be a lot easier for us (well me really) if we started trying early next year when baby c is in pre-school. i'd have some time off and he'd be walking by then. also, we'd really need to look into getting a bigger place as now baby c's stuff is already swallowing up our apartment. sigh............i hate it when want and need collide!