so...........it's been some time since my last posting. and boy have things changed! i'm now a mother to baby c. i know from my last blog i said that i'd be on my own during the post-natal period. but i also did mention that i wouldn't be too thick-skinned to ask for help should i require it! and yes, i have help now. we (correction: my parents) hired a confinement lady for me. here's my story:

immediately after birth, c was whisked away to be warmed up as the operating theatre where the c-section took place was pretty cold. b went with him while i was being stitched back up. it was almost 2+ hours later before i was wheeled back into my room. i was so excited and i couldn't wait to see c for i only saw him for a brief moment in the o.r. when i finally got back to the room, b told me that he was admitted into the nicu (neo-natal icu) because he was breathing extremely hard. i was so shocked and immediately started to worry and wanted to cry. i couldn't see him at all. it was two days later before i could be wheeled down to see him in the nicu. it was two very difficult days for me. i guess the "baby blues" or rather mild depression set in early for me. i wanted so desperately to see him and to hold him but was not allowed to because of the operation and was not supposed to move around yet. i had b constantly go down to see him and to be with him. b would come back up with pictures and videos of him for me. it was even more painful for me to bear as he was all hooked up with iv lines and oxygen. i would cry privately to b when we were alone. when i was finally allowed to visit him in the nicu, i immediately breastfed him and he took to it like fish to water! i was so happy then. our visits were always in the 1/2 hour periods as by then he had developed jaundice. so he needed to be under the uv light constantly. he was in the nicu for 3 whole days. b and i would religiously wake every 3 hours throughout the day and night to go down to feed him as well as to spend time with him. all throughout this time, i would cry now and then as i felt that he was going through so much at just a few days old. when he was released from nicu, he couldn't be discharged as his jaundice was going up. so although now he was on the same floor as we were, he still needed to be under the uv light. and we kept up the same feeding pattern. he was finally able to be discharged by the 5th day.
however, as we had planned to have him circumcise (and since it's being done now at birth), we stayed another night. so all in all we stayed a whole week at the hospital. i had had enough of the hospital and was so eager to go home with him by the end of the week.
when we got home, things went so smoothly. he was a perfect angel until..............nighttime came. he just couldn't be satisfied. he constantly fed on my breast from 11pm to 4am. my nipples were so raw and sore from the constant sucking and i was so worked up as to why he didn't seem to get enough. he was crying and i was crying. nothing we did satisfied him. i hit rock bottom fast. throughout the next few days, it was horrible. it was always the same. he never got enough from my breasts. i would be sad, depressed, weepy, etc. i even thought that there was something wrong with me. why wasn't i producing enough milk for him?
then my mum came back to kl over the weekend and i was just crying and crying to her. why? why does he feed so much? then she suggested formula to give me a break and to lighten the burden. so i caved real quick. his first bottle of formula he finished it all up within 2 minutes. only after supplementing with formula would he be contented and sleep. i was so distraught by then that i couldn't even find relief and comfort that he was finally contented. i was just so depressed and weepy. that was when my mum suggested the confinement lady. i guess she was worried about my state of mind as well as my physical state.
all the books and lactation consultants were telling me that my breasts would produce enough. i just had to let him suckle more at my breasts. i listened to them and i did - through the pain. i would be breastfeeding and crying at the same time. that was how bad it was. they all seemed to only care for what's best for the baby.
when i saw my doc, the truth was revealed. at the hospital, they all supplement. that was why it was so perfect at the hospital and it was a nightmare at home. even when we saw his paediatrician, she said it was normal to supplement formula at the beginning as my breasts weren't producing enough yet. both docs agree as to why he feeds so much is because he's a big baby. hence he needs more.
why wasn't i told of this? why don't they even mention this in the books? and to think that i was blaming myself for the lack of milk or thinking that i had failed as a mother. i think that mothers-to-be out there should know about this. it's alright to supplement, especially if you have a big baby, and quite common too. i have been supplementing him with formula up until two days ago. yesterday, i cut out the formula during the day and only breastfed him throughout the day. he did well. it means that i am now producing more and enough to satisfy him as he dozes right off after a feed. i am now feeding on demand as he is already 3 weeks old. i only feed when he is hungry. and this has continued onto today. i still give him formula during the night times as he sleeps with the confinement lady. i thought i might as well get my sleep too since she's already here. anyway, the nighttime is only from 12am to 5am.
so, i want all women out there to know that you can supplement (for your own sanity!) and then you can wean babies off formula when your milk supply comes in. better to have a well fed baby and a happy, sane mother than the opposite.