i just started reading the memory keeper's daughter by kim edwards. it's about how a mother delivers twins (which she wasn't expecting) - a boy and a girl. the girl turns out to have down syndrome while the boy is completely normal. the husband, who is a doctor and who delivered the babies, asks his nurse to send the daughter away. he in turn tells his wife that the daughter died during birth. i've read up to her longing and yearning for her daughter, thinking that she's dead, and how she never got to see her at all. she runs through the whole gamut of emotions and finally decides to have a memorial service for her daughter for closure.
i definitely can relate and understand what she's going through. maybe i shouldn't be reading this book because it's bringing back memories.
i did have a prayer session for my boy too. i told my mum to arrange it before the termination. it was held in my parents' home. i was crying, and it's the sort that starts from the bottom of your gut to the top of your lungs kind of bawling - non-stop. i just could not stop! i wanted to pray that my boy will go up to heaven and be with his creator and father. so that he'd be safe.
but as it turned out, the pastor started praying for a miracle. i was completely taken aback and with all my thoughts and emotions running wild, i couldn't comprehend. at first i was angry that that was not what i wanted. then i got hopeful and believed. then i did an about turn and was angry again that she was just giving me false hopes.
by the next day, when i checked into the hospital, i was sane again and i completely left it to god to decide. i was not angry when it turned out that i still had to terminate my pregnancy. i know god has bigger plans for me. it was his way of saying that it was not the right time for b and i to have a baby then.
so here i am, playing my part and waiting for god to answer my prayer. i know it will happen. i believe it will happen. it's only a matter of when.